Elixirs & Eagles & Epic fails : Thiazi/Apples and Garuda/Amritha

Kidnapping 101 in Norse & Hindu Myth,  Bird-Brained Heists where Elixirs & Eagles Go Wrong

APPLE JACKED BY A FEATHERED SIMP

The Setup:
Norse gods aren’t immortal – they’re basically superpowered retirees hooked on Idun’s magic apples  (the OG Botox). Without ’em? They sag, they grey, they die (RIP Baldur).

The Dumbass Deal:

• Loki (Asgard’s resident dumpster fire) pisses off Thiazi, a mountain giant who could bench-press Yggdrasil.

• Instead of yeeting Loki into a volcano (why, Odin?!), Thiazi demands: “Bring me Idun and her apple casket.”

• Loki’s genius plan: “Idun, babe – found better apples in a magic orchard! Wanna compare?” (Spoiler: No orchard exists. The casket’s the source. Smooth, Loki).

The Skyjack:
Idun (ignoring hubby’s “STAY HOME” memo) steps outside with her casket. THWAP! Thiazi – disguised as a MEGA-EAGLE – snatches her mid-eyeroll. Gone.

The Feathered Fumble:

• Gods age like milk left in Bilskirnir. They threaten Loki: “Fix it or we’ll turn your guts into mead.”

• Loki falcon-dives to Thiazi’s lair, stuffs Idun into a magic walnut (don’t ask), and books it.

• Thiazi eagle-chases them... straight into Asgard’s GATES OF FIRE. Giant KFC bucket achieved .

The Elixir: Idun’s magic apples  (Norse gods’ retirement plan).
The Eagle: Thiazi – giant-turned-SKY-TAXI .
The Epic Fail:

Loki: “Idun! Found better apples! Bring your casket, let’s compare!”
Idun: Steps out, casket in hand.
Thiazi: EAGLE-SNATCH! (Direct flight to Frostbite City).

The Fire-y Finale:

• Gods wrinkle like raisins . Loki forced to fix his mess.

• Falcon-Loki grabs Idun (now in a magic nut), bolts toward Asgard.

• Thiazi (eagle mode) gives chase… flies straight into a WALL OF FIRE .

“Poof. Giant-flavored smoke.” 

Thiazi’s Epitaph: “Got the apples. Forgot the exit strategy.”

HINDU SNAKES VS. THE DIVINE EAGLE

The Setup:
Garuda (immortal eagle, mama’s boy) needs to free Mom from snake overlords. Their price? Amrita – heaven’s immortality elixir 🏺. (Yes, an eagle enslaved to snakes is like a cat working for mice. Myth logic )

• Snakes FRENCH-KISSING DANDELIONS while Garuda laughs from a cloud.

• CONTRACT CLAUSE: “Section 4b: Gods reserve right to betray you. Licking grass voids warranty.”

The Dumbass Deal:

• Snakes: “Bring us Amrita. Then we free Mom.”

• Garuda: “Bet.” (Proceeds to flex so hard at godly competitions, Vishnu hires him as a flying Uber).

• Indra (king of gods) hands him the Amrita: “But trick the snakes, kay? I’ll snatch it back later.”

The Elixir: Amrita  (heaven’s immortality smoothie).

The Eagle: Garuda  (divine delivery eagle enslaved to snakes… logic?).
The Epic Fail:

Snakes: “Free Mom? Bring Amrita!”
Garuda: Wins divine trust, swipes elixir .
Indra: “Psst… let me steal it back after they free Mom ”

The Grass-lick Finale:

• Snakes free Mom … then bathe (Garuda’s “tip”).

• Indra YOINKS Amrita.

Snakes return: AMRITA DROPLETS ON GRASS. Commence lawn-licking.
Results:

• Forked tongues 
• Discount immortality (skin-shedding)
• Eternal embarrassment

Snake Yelp Review: *“1/5 stars. Licked grass. Got tongue-split. God-tier betrayal.”*

THE MORAL?

“If you’re stealing immortality… EAT THE SOURCE.
Thiazi? Should’ve eaten IDUN, not her apples.
Snakes? Should’ve eaten INDRA, not lawn sprinkles.

• Next time you see an eagle? Check for elixirs.
• And snakes? Bring wet wipes.