Abduction olympics : Idun and Sita

  

Golden Apples vs. Golden Deer: When Goddesses Get Kidnapped

IDUN’S STORY: APPLE-JACKED BY A BIRD-DUDE

The Bait:
Loki (mythology’s OG troll) needed to deliver Idun to giant Thiassi. His move? "Psst, your apples suck – I found better ones!" Ego bruised, Idun grabbed her magic casket (infinite youth-apples inside) and stepped outside her garden.

Hubby’s Warning Ignored:
Bragi told her: "STAY HOME." She didn’t. Whoosh! Thiassi (disguised as an eagle) snatched her and her apple stash mid-step.

Hostage Life:
Trapped in Jotunheim, Idun gave Thiassi the ultimate "NO" every day. When he tried stealing apples? They SHRANK TO NOTHING. Her only company? Hollow-hearted "Ellewomen" (literally heartless cheerleaders). 

SITA’S STORY: MAGIC LINES & RAGE-FUELED KIDNAPPING

The Bait:
Evil king Ravana sent a GLITTERING GOLDEN DEER to lure Rama/Lakshman away. Sita (like Idun) insisted: "Honey, fetch that for me!"

Hubby’s Warning Ignored:
Rama drew a PROTECTION LINE around their hut: "DO. NOT. CROSS." But Ravana disguised as a yogi guilt-tripped her: "Alms? You won’t step OUT? How RUDE!" Sita stepped over the line – WHOOSH! Flying chariot abduction.

Hostage Life:
In Ravana’s "Asoka Vanam" (fancy prison-garden), Sita’s answer was DAILY REJECTION SLIPS. No cookies (wink), no affection. Rakshashi women (Amazonian hype-squad) hissed stories of Ravana’s "greatness." Sita sat under a tree, radiating "I’d rather eat dirt."

THE "HAPPY" ENDINGS? LOL.

• Idun: Eventually rescued (thanks Loki’s guilt-trip). Apples restored! Gods kept munching immortality snacks. Idun’s trauma? Crickets.

• Sita: Rama rescued her... then made her WALK THROUGH FIRE to "prove purity." She survived (Agni Pariksha), but...

SITA (imagined monologue):
"I had Rakshashis waiting on me, a king offering me his empire, and I chose YOU. And you set me ON FIRE? Eessss not oh-kay, Rama."

MORAL?
Maybe: "Nice guys finish last... but toxic ones make you prove you didn’t cheat while kidnapped."
Or: "Never trust a golden deer. Or Loki. Or yogis who won’t take alms from a distance."

"Idun kept her apples. Sita kept her pride. Both got abducted because men couldn’t keep promises (Loki) or hunt responsibly (Rama). Mythology: where girlbosses meet gaslighting."

Cosmic Births - Thigh-Babies & Iron Wombs : Zeus/Dionsys and Sambha/Iron

We're diving into two ancient tales that make any modern birth story look tame. Forget water births and doulas – we're talking thigh-sewn demigods and cursed iron rods. Let's break down the cosmic weirdness.

Divine Baby Bakes: The Dionysus Special

• The Setup: Semele, mortal babe, gets knocked up by the ultimate divine playboy, Zeus. Classic.

• The Ask (& Fail): Semele, maybe feeling insecure, maybe just dumbstruck, asks Zeus for the full monty – his true godly form. Zeus, ever the obliging disaster, complies. Predictably, Semele couldn't handle the divine wattage and got vaporized in the ensuing blaze. Toast.

• The Save (Sort Of): Zeus, mid-crisis, snags the fetal Dionysus. Sews the kid right into his own thigh. Like a fleshy, Olympian Tupperware.

• The "Birth": Months later? Out pops baby Dionysus. Not from the usual exit. Not even close. Straight from the Zeus thigh-meat. Forget "mama's boy," this dude was a certified "thigh-high."

The Commonalities: Extreme paternal involvement? Check. Bypassing the traditional birth canal? Double-check. Resulting in a profoundly weird origin story that involves fire, rescue, and unconventional anatomy? Oh yeah. Both stories feature births orchestrated by or because of the father, fundamentally altering the natural process with disastrous (or just bizarre) consequences.

Pranks, Prophecies & Particle Physics: The Shamba Shocker

• The Setup: Meet Shamba (or Samba), son of Lord Krishna. Picture the ultimate annoying cousin – maybe like that bald Bruce Almighty villain, but way less charming. His kin decide pranking a sage is peak comedy.

• The Prank (& Epic Fail): They dress Shamba as a pregnant woman and plonk him in front of a sage. "O wise one! What will this lady pop out? Boy or girl?" Hilarious, right? Wrong. Sage sees through the drag instantly and hits peak rage (angry sage starter pack, activated).

• The Curse: Forget predicting gender. The sage drops the hammer: "This man will 'give birth'... to an iron rod (oolakkai – think ancient grain crusher). And that rod? Yeah, it'll wipe out your whole family line." Ouch. Talk about disproportionate punishment.

• The "Birth": Shamba, cursed, actually goes through with it. Out comes an iron club. Utterly terrifying.

• The Cover-Up (Fail): Freaked-out cousins smash the club to dust, chuck it in the river. Problem solved? Nope. Newton’s First Law of Mythic Karma: Energy (and cursed iron particles) can neither be created nor destroyed, only rearranged into your doom.

• The Payoff: Those particles nourish riverside grass. Later, the very same family harvests that grass, makes swords from it, and proceeds to hack each other to extinction in a civil war. The circle of death is complete.

The Commonalities: Birth as punishment/consequence? Check. Birth defying biological reality (man birthing metal)? Big check. A father's lineage/actions directly causing the bizarre birth and ultimate destruction? Absolutely. Both involve a fundamental perversion of birth leading directly to catastrophe, fueled by arrogance (Semele's request, the cousins' prank) and met with divine/curse-fueled fury.

Moral of the Story

1. Anger Management is NOT Optional (Especially for Gods and Sages): Seriously. Handing out world-shattering curses or vaporizing mortals because you're miffed? That's a one-way ticket to generational trauma and extinction-level events. Mandatory chill pills and therapy sessions before jury duty or godhood, please.

2. Daddy Issues Get Literal: Forget Freud. When Zeus becomes your literal incubator (thigh-mommy!), or your dad's divine reputation gets your mom fried leading to your thigh-ectomy, you win the messed-up origin story Olympics. For Dionysus, daddy was the mommy right from the start – take that, Oedipus.

Zingers for the Road

• Dionysus: Proof that sometimes, the best man for the job is the man... especially if the job involves gestating a wine god in your leg.

• Shamba: When your prank backfires so hard you end up labouring over the instrument of your family's doom. Talk about taking one for the team... straight to extinction.

• The Universe: Apparently, "impossible birth" is just another Tuesday. Moral? Don't piss off the cosmos – it has a weird sense of obstetrics and a killer punchline.

Genderfluid by Curse, Fabulous by Choice : Hermaphroditus & Brihannala

Hermaphroditus: A Pool Party Gone Very Wrong

• Origin: Male son of Hermes + Aphrodite (brand-name parenting).

• The Incident: While traveling, he stopped at a pool owned by nymph Salmacis. She took one look and decided "consent is negotiable."

• Rejection & Assault: Hermaphroditus (sensibly) rejected her advances. Undeterred, Salmacis ambushed him mid-bath – full-force hug, unwanted kisses, and a very specific wish: "May we never be parted!"

• Divine Overreaction: The gods (always helpful) granted Salmacis's creepy wish literally. Their bodies fused permanently. Hermaphroditus became the first intersex figure in Greek myth – and Salmacis, arguably mythology's first female predator.

• The Petty Payback: Feeling understandably violated, Hermaphroditus cursed the pool: any man bathing there would lose his masculinity. Because when life screws you, screw the next guy. Literally. The waters became infamous for their... emasculating properties.

Brihannala: Arjuna's Unexpected Glow-Up

• The Setup: Arjuna (Mahabharata hero) visited heaven during exile. Apsara Urvasi (divine supermodel) propositioned him.

• Rejection & Rage: Arjuna declined, calling her "like a mother" (Ouch. Worst. Rejection. Ever.). Enraged Urvasi cursed him to become a "kliba" – a person with both male/female physical and mental characteristics (ancient term for intersex/transgender).

• Silver Lining Playbook: Instead of despairing, Arjuna leveled up. He used his new identity Brihannala to live incognito as a eunuch dance teacher in King Virata's court during his final year of exile. Talk about making lemonade from divine lemons. His disguise was key to the Pandavas surviving undetected.

Moral of the Stories:

1. Mythology's Dating Rule #1: Never, ever say "NO" to a beautiful immortal woman. According to these myths, rejection = immediate gender-curse application.

2. The Divine Logic: If you dare refuse a goddess/nymph/apsara? Congratulations, you must clearly be a eunuch already. Their solution? Make it official. Petty? Absolutely. Effective? Well... Arjuna made it work.

3. Turn Curses into Careers: Got magically transformed? Channel your inner Brihannala and use it for stealth ops or artistic expression. Embrace the divine chaos.

Gods in Drag, Cross-Dressed & Consecrated : Thor/Thrym and Krishna/Koothandavar

 Thor’s Veiled Vengeance & Mohini’s Martyr Marriage

Thor’s Hammer Heist (Asgard’s Worst Wedding Crasher):

• The Problem: Thor’s beloved hammer, Mjölnir, gets stolen. The culprit? Thrym, king of the giants. His ransom? Freyja as his bride.

• Freyja’s Response: A hard pass on marrying the "biggest, stupidest, ugliest giant on earth." Can't blame her.

• Plan B (Loki’s Special): With options thin, Loki cooks up a scheme: Disguise Thor as the bride. Veil on, dress on, Thor’s looking… questionably feminine. Presented to Thrym.

• Suspicious Giant? Thrym notices his "bride’s" alarming appetite (eating a whole ox?!) and fiery eyes. Loki spins flimsy excuses ("Freyja’s just so excited/nervous she hasn’t eaten/didn’t sleep!"). Thrym somehow buys it. Giants aren't known for their IQ.

• The Payoff: Overcome with excitement before the vows, Thrym places Mjölnir on the "bride’s" lap. Big mistake. Thor rips off the veil, grabs his hammer, and introduces Thrym’s skull to its full force. Giant: dead. Hammer: reclaimed. Dignity: arguably still missing.

Krishna’s Cosmic Drag & the Ultimate Sacrifice:

• Mohini: Vishnu’s Go-To Disguise: Whenever trouble hits, the Hindu gods apparently yell, "Quick, dress Vishnu as Mohini!" The original cosmic drag queen.

• The Problem: Winning the Mahabharata war required a perfect sacrifice to Goddess Kali. Candidates: Krishna, Arjuna, or Arjuna’s son, Aravan (Koothandavar). The irreplaceable bigwigs (Krishna/Arjuna) were out, leaving Aravan as the sacrificial lamb.

• Aravan’s Last Wish: Seeking moksha (redemption), Aravan wished to be married before his death. Tradition demanded a married soul.

• The Bride Problem: Finding a woman willing to marry a man doomed to die the next morning? Shocker – no takers. Not even close.

• Plan B (Godly Cross-Dressing): Enter Mohini (Vishnu). The solution? Have one of Hinduism’s chief gods in female form marry Aravan. Mohini became Aravan’s bride, completing all wedding rites.

• The Sacrifice & The Legacy: The next day, Aravan was sacrificed. This myth lives on powerfully at the Koovagam festival in Tamil Nadu (April/May). Thousands of transgender women (eunuchs/hijras) gather. Each identifies as Mohini. Priests enact the role of Aravan, performing mass wedding ceremonies, tying the sacred thaali (nuptial thread) for each participant. The next day, they mourn the "death" of their divine husband, Aravan.

Moral of the Stories (Revised & Sharpened):

1. Forget Snake Charmers: India isn't just the land of snake charmers – it’s also the land of divine cross-dressing, sacred sacrifice, and profound, living traditions celebrating gender fluidity and devotion (like Koovagam).

2. Gods Love a Good Disguise: When all else fails (or even when it doesn't), gods apparently solve problems by cross-dressing. Thor’s veil? Mohini’s sari? Same divine playbook.

3. Rejection Workarounds: While "the only option for dumped/rejected men is to choose another man in disguise as bride" is technically what happened... the real moral is far richer: mythology finds wild, profound, and culturally resonant ways to fulfill spiritual needs and challenge norms, even when literal options seem nonexistent.

Fire Babies and Constellation Nannies : Dionysus/Nysiads and Murugan/Krithikais

Greek Mythology - Dionysus :

• Origin: Son of Zeus and mortal Semele.

• Trick, Fire, and Birth:

  • Trick: Hera, Zeus's perpetually jealous wife, couldn't be bothered to confront her playboy husband directly. Instead, she tricked Semele, orchestrating the mortal's demise and her unborn child's. How? By convincing Semele to ask Zeus to reveal his true form—pure, incinerating radiance.

  • Fire: Reluctant but bound by his promise, Zeus showed up armed with thunder and lightning. Predictably, Semele couldn't handle the divine light show and was promptly reduced to ashes. Zeus salvaged the fetal love-child, sewing it into his thigh for a makeshift gestation period.

  • Birth: Hence, Dionysus is the "twice-born." The second birth? Pure fire, no intercourse, IUI, or IVF required. Basically, the Greek mythology version of cloned sheep Dolly. Thanks, Dad.

• Water-Nymphs: Raised by the rain-nymphs of Mount Nysa  (Ambrosia, Arsinoe, Bromia, Cisseis, Coronis, Erato, Eriphia and Nysa )

• Constellation Tribute: As a thank-you, the nymphs were promoted to the constellation Pleiades. Nice retirement package.

Hindu Mythology - Karthikeyan (Murugan):

• Origin: Son of Shiva and Parvati.

• Trick, Fire, and Birth:

  • Trick: A son was needed to slay the demon Tarakan. Problem? Shiva and Parvati weren't exactly... sparking. Enter Kama, god of love, tasked with making Shiva fall for Parvati. Kama shot his flower arrow at Shiva mid-penance. Instead of igniting passion, it unleashed a Colorado forest fire-level rage. Shiva incinerated Kama on the spot. Whoops.

  • Fire: Post-rage, cooled-down Shiva heard the pitch about needing a demon-slaying kid. He agreed... but skipped the whole "marital relations and nine-month wait" thing. Efficiency! He blasted six fiery orbs from his third eye, creating six boys. Voila.

  • Birth: Alternate version? Shiva's fury made his third eye overflow with fire... and semen. Six fiery seeds spilled into the Saravana tank (basically water-form Parvati), resulting in six kids. Call it divine IVF in a celestial water tank instead of a petri dish? Mythology works in mysterious ways.

• Water-Nymphs: The six boys were merged into one ultimate kid: Karthikeyan (my personal favorite god, btw). He was raised by six water-nymphs, the Krithikais. ( Shiva, Sambhuti,  Priti, Sannati, Anasuya, Kshama)

• Constellation Tribute: Grateful for their nanny services, they too got constellation status: Krithikai.

Moral of the Story?
Lord Shiva apparently had a serious semen-spilling problem. Let's recap his kids:

• Murugan (Karthikeyan): Semen spill in a magic tank.

• Ganesha: Molded by Parvati from turmeric. Divine Pinocchio?

• Ayyappa: Conceived via Shiva's semen pill swallowed by Mohini (Vishnu's irresistible transgender avatar).

The kicker? Even with Kama's "help," Shiva couldn't manage the traditional impregnation route with his actual wife. Proof that even the almighty wasn't immune to... performance issues. Some things truly are universal.

Divine Tricksters & Cosmic Payback: Prometheus and Ganesha

Greek MVP: Prometheus

• Origin: Titan Iapetus + nymph Asia’s kid.

• Creation Hack: Sculpted humans from mud + wind → skipped baby phase. Athena literally breathed life into his clay dolls. Basically: Divine Pinocchio. 

• The Ultimate Troll Move (Mecone Feast):

  • Offered Zeus two "gifts":
    → Option A: Beef hidden in gross ox stomach (actual food).
    → Option B: Bones wrapped in shiny fat (useless bling).

  • Zeus picked B. Got played. Cue godly tantrum.

• Fire Heist: Stole flames in a fennel stalk → rebooted human progress. 

• Punishment Package:

  1. Zeus yeeted Pandora (first woman) at mankind.

  2. Prometheus chained to a rock. Daily eagle liver snack (regenerating nightly). Eternal all-you-can-eat buffet. 

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Hindu Legend: Ganesha

• Origin: Parvati’s DIY project. Made him from sweat, scruff, and turmeric paste → instant life. Basically: Scrub Pinocchio. 

• The Ultimate Temple Troll (Srirangam Saga):

  • Demon Vibhishana flying home with Vishnu’s idol (never to set down).

  • Stopped to bathe in the Cauvery River.

  • Ganesha (disguised as a cowherd) offered to hold it… immediately placed it on ground. Boom—Srirangam temple born. (Repeat offender: did same to Ravana in Gokarna!).

• Punishment Package:

  • Vibhishana smacked his forehead → no reversal spell.

  • Eternal upgrades: Elephant head, one tusk, pot belly, virgin bachelor status.

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Moral of the Story

"Gods: petty, creative, and terrifyingly consistent."

• Greek solution to anger? Send Pandora. Because women.

• Hindu solution to mischief? Make you elephant-adjacent and eternally single. 

“I have the body of a god… sadly, it’s Ganesha.” 

 Movie Prometheus features Engineers who look eerily similar to Lord Ganesha. 

The proboscis isn’t literal, but the silhouette is identical. Both are "architects of life" punished for their gifts (Engineers wiped out, Ganesha cursed).When the Engineer decapitates David → mirrors Ganesha losing his head before Shiva replaces it.

Ganesha Trait : 

Elephant head, curved trunk and pot belly and divine creator, Broken tusk

What are the parallels that are reflected in Engineer echo ?

Oversized helmet, tubular breathing apparatus, broad, barrel-chested torso, Genetic engineer of humanity and Mask's segmented mouth

Webs of Wrath: Starring Greek SpiderWoman and Indian SpiderMan – Arachne & Chenkannan

 

Greek Mythology: When a Goddess Threw a Tantrum Over Thread

The Players:

• Arachne: Wild-eyed mortal weaver (skills: god-tier ego).

• Athena: Green-eyed "wisdom" goddess (skills: fragile divinity).

The Duel:
Arachne boasted she could out-weave Athena. The goddess showed up disguised as a granny – because nothing says "mature deity" like catfishing – and challenged her.

The Tapestry Smackdown:

• Athena wove: "Mortals: Know Your Place™" (feat. Poseidon side-eyeing peasants).

• Arachne wove: "Zeus’s Greatest Dick Moves" (bulls, swans, golden showers – the whole nasty highlight reel).

The Meltdown:
Athena RIPPED Arachne’s tapestry, then guilt-tripped her so hard, the girl hung herself. "Lesson": Turned her into a spider – doomed to weave forever while dangling over toilets.

Moral: You can take amour propre out of a mortal, but you can’t take jealousy out of a goddess bitch.

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Hindu Mythology: When a Spider Held a Multi-Life Grudge

The Players:

• Wide-Eyed Spider: Devout web-spinner (obsession: protecting Shiva’s lingam from leaves).

• Open-Eyed Elephant: Holier-than-thou temple janitor (obsession: ripping spider webs for flower arrangements).

The Feud:
Spider webbed Shiva’s idol daily. Elephant trashed it for aesthetic. Spider finally snapped: crawled up the elephant’s trunk, bit its brain. Both died in the crash.

Shiva’s "Gift":
Reborn the spider as Chenkannan – the Red-Eyed King (literally: "Eyes Bloodshot from Spite"). He built a massive temple... with the inner sanctum underground (ceiling too low for elephants).

Moral: You can make a king out of a spider, but you can’t take the spider out of the king.

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The Unholy Parallels

• Ego vs. Devotion: Arachne’s pride got her cursed; Spider’s devotion got him promoted (then cursed anyway).

• Divine Pettiness: Athena murdered over art critique. Shiva rewarded a murderer (spider) and victim (elephant) equally – chaotic neutral king.

• Forever Jobs: Arachne weaves webs eternally. Chenkannan built a temple to spite elephants beyond the grave.

Final Wisdom:

Gods: "Don’t outshine us."
Spiders: "Don’t touch our fucking webs."
Moral of both? Mind your business – or get woven into a myth about bad life choices.